Bean Counter

My first novel for Literotica was Bean Counter, a twisted tale of lust and revenge. Basically "Dollar" Bill, a rising young CPA, learns that not only has his young wife, Mary, left him for another man (a banal artist named Tim) but that she is pregnant with Tim's child. Faced with the personal pain and humiliation resulting from her duplicity, Bill threatens to use the antiquated "Alienation of Affection" law in his quaint Southern state against Tim if Mary doesn't, as a precondition for divorce, give him all the blowjobs she's promised him over the years (which he has meticulously tracked). What follows is a twisted, humorous, and undeniably erotic descent into revenge and retribution.

I wrote this on a whim, at first, but I started getting so much fan mail on it I put some real effort into the plot and characters. Most of the fan mail was from recently-divorced men who took solace in my revenge fantasy. I'm afraid I had to disappoint many of them by admitting that a) the story is not true in any sense and b) I am not writing based on any personal experience. Indeed, I've been happily married for over a decade, and would never leave my wife (and she'd never leave me). But whatever it was I did resonated strongly with these guys, and attracted a lot of attention elsewhere, too.

The other nifty thing about this book was the way I marketed it. I've been looking for ways to develop new writing strategies so that a writer can actually make a little money from the sale of his work without the whole rigamorale of the publishing industry. The dilemma is obvious: how can you sell a lot of books without the promotional engine most publishers have at their disposal?

My solution was to give away 90% of the work for free. You can find 16 chapters of Bean Counter free, on line at Literotica, and in the second-to-last chapter I sew up 90% of the plot. But if you want to know how it really ends, you have to go go lulu.com and buy the whole novel(including the final 17th chapter) for the bargain-basement price of $2.50 (to download -- it's more expensive if you want to print it out and bind it).

How successful is it? Well, after a year or so I'm closing in on my 500th sale. And so far only a few (two, actually) people have objected to my "unfair" strategy, while most of the others have been strongly supportive. Admitedly, it's not enough to quit my day-job, but the sales still trickle in. My strategy with the next book, Cock of Ages, was different, and I'll explore that in a future post.

Here's an excerpt from Bean Counter:

"You are such an asshole," she spat. "I was hoping we could be adults about this."

"Marital infidelity is very adult," I agreed. "So is a messy divorce. Now get the fuck out of my house."

My mind was whirling, and while I felt bitter betrayal I also had formulated a plan while she had been talking. Or, at least the beginnings of a plan. I went to my study and got online and took care of some things. Forty-five minutes later I heard the front door slam and her car – the one I bought for her birthday – leave with squealing tires.

She should enjoy it while it lasts. I had had a busy time.

Her cellphone would be disconnected at midnight.

Her car would be repossessed – I arranged to sell it to a good friend and neighbor, Henry Morefield. We had gone to school together, and he lived just a few houses down in our ritzy neighborhood. Henry and Mary had never gotten along. She thought he was an asshole, he thought she was a stuck up bitch. They were both right, but Henry was MY asshole friend, and he delighted in helping me get to her. He was also an attorney – real estate, but he knew a fair amount of divorce law, too. He agreed to represent me in the preliminaries. We set a date for a week away.

I also took her off our car insurance. And changed the beneficiary on all of my life insurance. And had her removed from our health insurance.

I cleaned out our bank accounts, electronically transferring the money to some overseas accounts I had set up a few years back for tax purposes.

I contacted a private investigator and had him get me everything he could on "Tim".

Her credit cards were reported stolen and canceled.

Twenty minutes after she left a locksmith showed up and changed all the locks, and I changed the security codes on the alarm system.

Two hours after she left, she was attached to me in name only. The Bureaucracy Monster that envelops every one of us would barely recognize her. Sure, I could have hired a thug – I actually knew a few – but that lacks refinement. Besides, violence is such a transitory pleasure. I gave it to her my way, instead. I used paperwork.

Hell hath no fury like an accountant scorned.

I got stinkin' drunk that night, crawled into bed, and overslept the next morning. When my office called, I told them that I had some family issues and would be taking the week off. Then I called my travel agent and booked a flight to the Bahamas. I left my cell phone at home.

I spent the next week feeling sorry for myself, getting drunk, crying a lot, and banging the hell out of the local talent. Whores, tourist girls, even a matronly insurance saleswoman from Cleveland that could suck a cock like a pro. When I flew back home, I was like a new man.

And I had a plan.